Cheating

Special Sports & Recreation Issue: Part 2

From The Hot Sheet

From my upcoming book Footnotes From the Most Fascinating Museums

Cartoon by J.C. Duffy from Wall Street Journal

Three Questions. This month’s guest is Joe “J.C.” Duffy, world renown cartoonist (The New Yorker, MAD, Reader’s Digest, Barron’s and the comic strip The Fusco Brothers) and also a writer and musician (hear one of his stylings here.). His originals are on sale at Curated Cartoons.

Bob Eckstein: Are you getting funnier?

Joe Duffy: I think I’ve gotten funnier over time, if I say so myself. It comes easier, anyway.

BE: Are you still striving for the perfect cartoon? 

JD: No. I don’t think I ever was.

BE: What’s the closest you’ve come?

JD: No single magazine cartoon comes to mind, but I really like a gag I used in my comic strip, the Fusco Brothers:

Woman in bar: Why is it taking you so long to undress me with your eyes?

Man in bar: I fold everything.

Drumroll….this issue The Felix goes to Peter Steiner for this cartoon in The New Yorker.

I have been a fan of Mr. Stein’s work since before I even considered cartooning. His cartoons, paintings, writing and everything about him can be found here.

This is a bonus issue really for just paid subscribers to The Bob, so the rest of the newsletter is behind a paywall, including two sport pieces (One is an editorial on the new stickiness issue in baseball. The second is a piece on cheating in sports). Also exclusive to paid subscribers is a new section that follows called Just Answers in which I provide very frank answers to questions I’ve been given although I will not be sharing the source of them.

I made subscription as affordable as possible providing a 25% off coupon when subscribing. I will also give a free subscription if you are 1) a student, 2) a senior or 3) any person who would like to subscribe but is on a tight budget (I understand). Write to me at snowmanexpert@gmail.com for any such requests.

The New Stickiness Guideline for MLB Umpires

If it wasn’t difficult enough for umpires to adjust to all of baseball’s new rules, now we expect them to devise a way to determine when a pitcher has violated the current sticky ball rules, without any direction. 

Until now. The following is the first set of comprehensive guidelines for the league, coaches, and players to follow. Examination of the pitcher’s balls, hands, and glove may occur before or after innings. The standard ten-game suspension is being modified here to reflect, case by case, the severity of the infraction.

1 out of 5 Sticky Balls

There is no evidence of resin on the pitcher’s hands but what looks like a paste created from powdered sugar and the jelly of a doughnut. A warning is issued to the dugout that all the doughnuts be put away. Unless everyone is offered one. It looks like someone got coffee for the team as well. While this is not breaking the sticky ball rule, it is rude. 

2 out of 5 Sticky Balls

A sticky substance is clearly present. It’s not as sticky as pine tar or resin but something between a sticky bun or warm toffee pudding. Not sticky enough it would be considered performance-enhancing but certainly making a mess of the balls. In this case, the pitcher is ordered to wash the guilty substance from his hands and face. The pitcher is to be monitored throughout the game for snacks.

AP Photo/Sam Hodde

3 out of 5 Sticky Balls

You trick the pitcher into shaking hands and they are very tacky. The pitcher claims he got it from shaking hands with the opposing pitcher before the game. Give the pitcher a warning, but throw out the opposing pitcher, in case there is any merit to the story.

4 out of 5 Sticky Balls

The pitcher has ignored the warning and his hair is getting darker each inning. There are globs of either pine tar or that black stuff, like when you redo your driveway, all over the place––his hands, glove, uniform…there’s even some on his nose. Throw the pitcher out of the game and issue a 5-game suspension. Tack on another two games if he sarcastically dangles the ball from one finger on the way out.