Desperately Seeking Fran Lebowitz

The UFO Issue

I just finished listening to a podcast, hosted by a household name (who I do not want to name or promote), who made the argument President Joe Biden is an extraterrestrial space alien. This is based on his irregular ear lobes coupled with a sloppy mistake the aliens made making the Biden clone too tall (deduced from comparing photos of him standing next to Jill Biden.). Space aliens using a friendly appearances is not uncommon and it was shared Queen Anne and Justin Bieber were both space aliens, just some of the profiles used by space aliens. 

Conspiracy theorists on Quora, which has jumped-the-shark and mostly taken over dubious answers and where I just learned why John Lennon faked his death (he is living in the Hudson Valley right now according to some), inspired my last short story for Funny Times, a piece called Questions from Children for Santa on Quora.

How old are you? I love you, Santa. — Sally from Poughkeepsie, N.Y., age 5

Mark Mercedes • Nov 26

You kids are pretty nosey. You are getting nothing under your tree. Merry Christmas.

I just attended a talk on UFOs at the Milford Readers & Writers Festival last week. When the crowd was asked who had had a UFO experience of some sort I was in the minority who didn’t raise their hand (I once photo-shopped a crop circle to give it a top hat for my History of the Snowman book.)

The talk focused on the Hudson Valley, where the theory was, it is rich in some natural resource desired by visitors in outer space, thus the high rate of visitors.

This was a drawing from the session.

I did other drawings at the festival, too, unrelated to UFOs.

And I also spoke one day on book publishing and marketing with author Jen C Plaza.

If you were in that session and promised you a paid submission to this newsletter, let me know who you are and I will upgrade you.

Today, I am going to chat with my friend, Marissa Acocella, live on her YouTube Channel. She’s a fantastic writer, artist and friend, who also gets a bit freaky on her show, so we’re going to talk about sex, museums, UFOs, sex in museums, sex on UFOs and religion (Marissa also does the Dare To Be Catholic podcast—I was an altar boy.). We’ll also cover John Lennon (she did a show with her gal pal May Pang, who made The Lost Weekend, about her love story with Lennon, and covered Lennon’s UFO story), and what it used to be like cartooning for the New Yorker (which is more mysterious than life in outer space). Go HERE to watch the tape.

It’s been said never meet your heroes or space aliens. I’ve had the chance to meet a few of my heroes (and not all went well—I’ve had XTC’s Andy Partridge dress me down after being introduced). One hero I have yet to meet, but not for a lack of trying, is humorist Fran Lebowitz. I consider her, along with Jack Handey and Scott Thompson (aka Carrot Top)*, our generation’s greatest humorists. Through her agent, I asked begged her to write the Introduction to my new museum book. Her agent was supportive (and is someone I know and has said to me he would love it if I was able to persuade her back into writing. She has not published anything in a long time). But Fran Lebowitz does appear in my book— I quoted her from her excellent TV series, Pretend It’s Not A City — and I sent her a copy of my book along with another book, I thought she would like, Footnotes from the World’s Greatest Bookstores, with a letter thanking her. I can’t tell you how much she had influenced my work…so I won’t. And I can’t tell her either. She, notoriously, does not have an email address or a cell phone. I sent a handwritten letter and wait. Here’s a nice story she told about the MET. 

I, in turn, used this story in my museum book from my friend, cartoonist Mick Stevens. Here is a sneak peak:

My favorite part of the MET, at the moment, is the little known, Visionary Archives, where work not formally on display is actually accessible for viewing, if you know how to get there. You have to ask Information. Anytime I send a friend there, I am thanked profusely afterwards.

This is a portrait of Mark Twain of Charles Noel—I missed the Mark Twain 150th anniversary at the Mark Twain House because it was the same day as the Milford Festival. But I did paint him for my next book (about the world’s greatest writers and their cats, done with writer Nava Atlas.).

Another masterpiece found in the bowels of the MET. I did not find the artist credit.

And an exciting personal moment for me—walking into the MET Gift Shop and seeing copies of my book on display in front (in three different places).

This is actually on display at moment on the ground floor by the cafe. Before Dinner by Pierre Bonnard at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.

* I have many other comic heroes who greatly inspired me, including Sam Gross, Michael Palin, John Cleese and Colin Quinn. 

This installment is just for cartoonists. Show of hands. Who here likes it when a publication buys a caption-less cartoon from you and they themselves write a caption for it without consulting or telling you what piece of crap punchline they wrote and attributed to you?

“I have to execute better. Obviously, I’m not doing good enough. I have to see things better and make better reads. I thought I prepared well all week but I’m frustrated with the results. All I can say is we’ll go back to the drawing board and it’s a new week.” 

That was QB, Daniel Jones, not me. But pretty much the conversation I have in my head every week as rejection becomes more the norm. The problem with that is the N.Y. Giants quarterback is still getting paid over $2 million a week, which is about $2 million more than I’ve made in my career.

Lo and behold, Jones had a great week this Sunday, beating the favored Cleveland Browns. In one week instead of being 0-3 the Giants are 1-2, changing everything for the team. Now they’re tied with the Dallas Cowboys. In last place. Huge win.

And that’s the point. You never know, so you just keep going to the plate and taking swings (last sports metaphor, I promise). Submitting to the “magazine” can feel a lot like the African Queen, when Hepburn and Bogart were stuck in the reeds with seemingly no hope of escape, unaware they were just a hundred yards away from open ocean water, free of the rain forest and parasites (I’m not calling anyone parasites here.). You never know how close you are. One good week can change everything.

Hey, how’s this for a name for a drug designed for cartoonists dealing with rejection? Chagrinz

Starting today, the very talented cartoonist Shannon Wheeler, is conducting a Kickstarter HERE to fund his next book, Too Much Coffee Man Saves the Universe (and other mistakes), “a collection of mini-comics, one-page comics, and other miscellaneous early work.” Subscribe to his awesome newsletter, The Awesome Shannon Wheeler Newsletter, HERE.

Beth Lapote as conducting this fun event called Pick Your Next Project. It’s available to everyone online Saturday Oct. 19th from 12-3 PT on Zoom. The cost is a nominal $20.24. Click HERE or the image for more details.

Let my new museum book, Footnotes from the Most Fascinating Museums: Stories and Memorable Moments from People Who Love Museums, be your inspiration.

Thanks!